BUENOS AIRES, ARGENTINA - A team of senior economic advisers, headed by Dr. Pablo Rojo, published a joint report on Monday that paints an alarming picture of the recent economic crisis in Argentina. The study has wide-spread implications for the currently governing Justicialist party, and it is not yet clear how it will be received by the general public. "We know that the people of Argentina may have trouble accepting such an absurd theory," admitted Dr. Rojo, during a press conference this morning, "but that is at least partly because they are strung out from a sleepless weekend of Speed Unlimited and fernet."
Before today's developments, it was widely accepted that the crisis had been prompted by the neoliberal economic platform established in the 70's by the NRP. Dr. Rojo and his team's controversial report, entitled "Wake the F*** Up Argentina," instead traces the problem back to a hallmark of the country since its inception - refusing to adopt a reasonable sleep routine. The 67 page report, incorporating insanely boring regressions, offers evidence that the crisis was indeed a result of public sleep deprivation.
Dr. Rojo claims that the inexplicable custom of eating dinner at midnight and staying out past 6 in the morning has rendered the workers, or "fundamentals," of the Argentine economy exhausted and inefficient. The report explains that staggering deficits in the economy due to lazy Sundays and a sedated mid-week workforce came to a climax in 1999. This crescendo of economic apathy left 25% of the country's citizens unemployed, and 75% wondering why they didn't just go to the bar a couple of hours earlier last night, it would have been just as fun... how many sick days do I have?...
No one in the Kirchner camp has been available for comment on the matter, seemingly because it was 2 for 1 at Crobar this weekend and ladies got in for free. However, one government official (although likely more corrupt than Blagojevich) admitted that closing every retail store and restaurant on Sunday, 1 of the 2 days a week that consumers actually have time to consume, did seem "mildly retarded."
Dr. Rojo is currently researching a relationship between his sleep deprivation theory and the fact that 80% of all Argentine men have mullets or rat tails (citation needed). So far, however, he has found no credible link, and admits that anyone with this unfortunate haircut might have to bite the bullet and admit personal responsibility.
inspired by "THE ONION
3 years ago